THE GRADUATE
Many are waiting to tell their story at the end, when the dust settles, the victories are won, the goals accomplished and it's something worthy to boast about. I, however want to tell a different story, a story about the middle, the imperfect, navigating and still learning the ways of a person on the path, on the journey,
my path...my journey
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words... words found its way to hurt me. It was at 13 I realized the world was not so innocent and carefree and my place in it though apparent to others was not apparent to me. I honestly don't know when or where it started, but I began to look in the mirror and hated the girl I saw. My big forehead and large lips, I was not as lean as the other kids. I had drawn up the perfect self loathing recipe: 1 litre of you're ugly, 1 cup of you are not good enough, 3 tablespoons of you are so fat, a pinch of comparison and a dash of seeking approval to make a delicious low self esteem cake I could sink my teeth into everyday. Now don't get me wrong, I was the popular kid, I had friends, I was a scholar, played sports and part of the yearbook clubs but something was not clicking. It was not resonating with the inner parts of me that needed to feel...whole, secure. That I was not invisible and I was indeed wanted. As time went on I learned how to mask it behind every smile and giggle, yet inwardly, I was reciting the TLC lyrics of Unpretty like " my outsides look cool, my insides are blue". By 10th grade, I realized that it did not matter and I did not care what others thought or what I was saying to myself, I was good with me and I felt triumphant like I gained my power back.
I, however, did not see how deep the words I planted had taken root in my psyche. The ghost of my low self esteem started showing up in my ambitious pursuits and impostor syndrome took hold. No matter how much I accomplished, there was a question of is this enough? Am I too much? Do I belong here? My self esteem was fractured.
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Maybe I am the only one who has been through it, searching for the pieces of wholeness and belonging in a world that places people in boxes that are digestible for the collective, but truly, how does one put the broken pieces together? Mirrors are not reformed by simply assembling pieces together like a puzzle, they undergo a process of pressure, realignment, enhancement to reproduce not just the same thing but something better. Made a new not just replaced. Why would being whole not mirror the same? How do you solve a problem like Maria?; How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? You don't. You set it free and let it be what it is meant to be.
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On Tuesday, October 23, 1990, a baby was born, brown eyed and screaming with a word spoken over her by her mother:" Dream big, you are meant for greatness." I did not fully understand the calling at 13, nor would I, but all I had endured was necessary, to reach that lovely phrase we love tossing about: purpose. His word gently reminded me that "God put me to work from the day I was born. The moment I entered the world he named me. He gave me speech that would cut and penetrate. He kept his hand on me to protect me. He made me his straight arrow and hid me in his quiver. He said to me " You are my dear servant, through whom I'll shine". Insecurity is the assassinator of dreams and visions. It plagues your mind like a disease and traps you in a cocoon of fear, paralyzing your very ability to move, to no longer see the world as a place to explore with countless possibilities.
The truth of the matter is, my confidence is derived not just from my accomplishments but the knowledge and recognition of my purpose and calling. My confidence is anchored in the One who called me to it in the first place, who created the wilderness specific for me to thrive, that as I push He would pull. My strength is stimulated by my tribe, friends turned into sisters and a daughter, the people in my circle, the ones who pour in a word or bring the positive vibes, the women who determine to be more than average, the woman who brought me into this world. My purpose is too potent to stand by and let it disintegrate in a puddle of fears and what could be. I got to take action, for the ones around me and those that come after me. For my little sons and daughters. It is time for me to get on board and take flight.
