LOVE CYCLES
" The fruits have blossomed. Your love has prepared a table before me, to dine with you and to dwell in your splendor. Yet, I'm distracted by what is forbidden. I'm enticed by the lies that have engulfed my soul and have given me tunnel vision. I know you are good for me but the tree and its fruits look better."
/Genesis/ - Nana Otu | Nothing Hidden Under the Son.
Raps in the distant: "Honey, honey, sweet honey, drip, drip, coco mami, hunny bunny, yehh would you be mine, yeh, yeh would you be mine. Yeh, Will you love me, ride for me, hold none above me yeh, confidently, yeh would you be mine yeh, yeh would you be mine"
Like lullabies I am serenaded by the sweet melodies and fragrances of love, fresh in the afternoon. Like that good cup of joe in the morning, warming every yearning and ache inside of me, luring me to drink from the well, where I am absent from my woes and in the arms of my lover. Sweet kisses and fields of paradise to run and skip to without missing a beat. Love so heavenly, it is my remedy, and it could not be amiss, that this is divinely meant to be.
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For as long as I can remember, I was seeking to be the one- the coveted position ranked higher than a board seat at Rockefeller. Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Position opened for that deep Love Jones love, the sacrificial Titanic, Jack and Rose love, that till death do us part Notebook type of love. Step up, yes you, in the back, step up for your once in a lifetime chance for a fairy-tale love, mind blowing to infinity and beyond love!
Warning: side effects may include, disappointment, heartbreak, unrealistic expectations and a broken spirit, caution is advised!
Like I said, from young, we are taught to yearn for love, obsess over being chosen, to not date, focus on your books and then boom! Marriage. Yee, I'm sure we are missing some crucial pieces in that trajectory but I digress.
Being the one; the treasured pedestal created to saturate self fulfillment cavities in our bodies to semblance importance, position and possession. A love cycle usually pans out like - You are sought -> become the one -> deemed important -> valued -> worth it -> a keeper, until suddenly you are not! What quickly was admired becomes a hindrance and the system fails... You are alone now.
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I wish each experience came with warning labels but I know in my heart of hearts I wouldn't heed them, not a single one even if I tried. I could not resist tasting the forbidden; man's greatest flaw and all those minor warnings would not replace the biggest adverse effect; without knowing your worth, purpose and self you are sure to be your biggest heartbreaker. You will search and search and it will never be enough. It's me, I was my heart's sole heartbreaker and no-one else.
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I am still healing from wounds I created, tunneling deep-crippled from betrayal. Not feeling good enough, second guessing my every move. Playing roles of a Trophy wife, great on a shelf as a display but not enough to commit to. You know, that treasured mate type yet too complacent to value. I needed to believe, contrary to what I had seen, I needed to believe it was possible for me. So I fought for it, past my doubts, inadequacies, fears, sense, common sense. Maybe this isn’t the time, maybe you should heal, love and know yourself. No, I rather be looking everywhere but up above and within.
I am submerged in an ocean of emotional terror, heartbreak and mistrust, accusations, cheating and lies. Yeh, trust , what a fickle thing, hard to garner, easy to break. Piece by piece my heart was breaking, shattering all over the floor, I couldn’t recognize friend from foe, I would gather it up and it would slip and cut my fingers. I am such a friggin mess! I would cry out, repeating self hate words like why would anyone want me, why won't you love me, all of me, why am I not enough, why are you giving up on me, on us!
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Like natural cycles in life- some things need to die in order to be reborn. My twisted, tv fed, book read perception of love needed to die and in its place the true archetype of love needed to bloom. It's ok to be sorrowful as much as it is ok to choose yourself, love on yourself, fight for yourself, speak life to yourself, take that bold step for yourself, its ok to break down, it's ok not to know, its ok to be scared, its ok to not be ok.
Because even in the most sacred of places, naked and all you can still get burned. And pride like a fire raging and urging me to wear my hurt and pain like a badge of honour screaming for justice….quickens me rather to look, look beneath it all and instead learn my greatest lesson. There is strength in vulnerability, there is promise in bearing your soul, you can find real and pure love in the most uncanny of places and I can look and smile and be proud that even in the weakest of moments.. I was becoming. Becoming, who I needed to be, to love me faithfully before ever letting another one set the requirements for what is considered worthy, acceptable and whole. To hold oneself in high esteem is not to be full of yourself, it is about valuing and loving every morsel of who you are, the good and the bad, setting and being the standard, to be the very best for you and in that, then attracting the very best, aligned with your destiny. Finding wholeness in your stride, quirks and purpose. Ripping up the list solely of wants and blending it with needs.
Respect, Covering, Adoration, Forgiveness, Compassion, Friendship… and yes, Trust.
And my lover, in sweet truth whomever he may be, holds me, holds me down, honours me, embraces me, creates space where I can thrive as one and as a unit. I'm a light in his life, a joy and a blessing, his trusted companion and partner, the eve and the morning star, the one He waited for, the Lord's design. Love is stronger than pride and choice higher than emotions.
The price of my heart? unquestionably high because I finally realize,
I am enough….more than enough
