BETTER THAN I IMAGINED
“...and everytime i try to be, what someone else has thought of me, so caught up, I wasn’t able to achieve. But deep in my heart, the answer it was in me. And I made up my mind, to define my own destiny”
One thing I get asked a lot is “how did I get so comfortable turning 30 last year so much so to generate a project to that level?
First off, a girl had no choice but to turn 30 lmao, not Benjamin Button over here. All jokes aside, this question is definitely heavy because by this age I should be married, popped a child or two by now, gotten maybe a masters or PhD by now. Possibly purchased my second home, curate a thriving side hustle and have 100k in the bank. I could keep a running list of all the expectations placed on my shoulders by society, culture and myself. I’m sure if you were to stop in this moment you could draw a lengthy list as well.
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In December 2019 I had a sort of silent breakdown because life just was not calculating the way I needed it to. I pivoted career wise, stopped working, was working through a difficult breakup, my relationship with God was in another level that just felt very deep and scary all at the same time and dealing with church hurt just to name a few.
This is not what I planned nor signed up for?
This is G-H-E-T-T-O 😂😂 where is my refund on this thing called life.
The funny thing is though very uncomfortable I was excelling. By the end of that semester I was hitting a 3.8 GPA in my graduate certificate program, though not working, was able to pay my bills, pay off my tuition and stay afloat, had peace beyond comprehension, healing and restoration and a new vision and hope. A tighter sister circle and tribe and a fierce determination.
It was not expected but it was better than I imagined.
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I don’t know if you have these type of friends around you but my girls stay putting me on some good food or experiences. At first I think they are boosting but then I get a bite and it just hits! Not expected but better than I imagined.
See, we come into this life with the little knowledge we have and are immediately tied to a portfolio of suggestions from society, culture, religion, family, social media and the like drowning us with directions “we must take”. Filling us with ideals and pictures of what success and happiness and even purpose must look like before we even understand who and what we are. Let alone what God has for us. Leaving us with a litter of broken, lost, unsatisfied individuals roaming the earth.
Where did we pick up the pieces to the puzzle of our lives. Is that the picture we are supposed to be building in the first place?
For some people they catch the vision right away and work through it. Others like me who are stubborn lool have to endure some massive breakdowns. I often link these moments down to my faith because it brought me the clarity I needed and bears the fruit I have today.
I had made a decision in early Jan 2019 that I was going to surrender my thoughts and plans and let God do Him, like really let Him do Him aka move myself out of the driver’s seat. If you are wise enough, you know said prayers are not made lightly because chilee it will feel like you are loosing everything that once made sense. In dramatic form, that is exactly what happened, God broke everything down in an instant! “Destroy to rebuild “ is what He told me before stripping me bare and it was HARD. Believers love to make this process seem so promising and easy; beloved, it was not and definitely not something I could endure without God. Fast forward to December and my breakdown I got a revelation from a sermon I was watching called “Its not what I pictured” by Steven Furtick.
This is a direct exert from my journal at that time:
“build what God put inside of you for the picture He sees. Switch the picture Barbara be who God called you to be, celebrate what He has given you, pull everything close that you do have, love on that and make the most of it. Yes it may be different for some time but God pictured it all along, Isaiah prophesied the virgin birth 100s of years prior, God was already building the picture 42 generations in, God knew the picture. If you get too tightly zoomed into this one scene, this one moment, this one struggle or this one issue you are going to miss the bigger picture. God knows where to put you, He knows what He put in you, and He knows what He wants to do through you. Do what He last told you!”
Right when my faith was fading He switched my perspective. Right when I was about to be frustrated again he changed the frame. He challenged my picture of self, challenged my plans so that I had no other choice but to hold on to His word and voice. Spark faith enough to believe he had better for me than what I could imagine.
Change your perspective. Lay aside the false narratives of who you are supposed to be and embrace who you are NOW. What is success for one is not success for another. Love yours!
I am who I am and that is my power. You are who you are and that is your power. Trust me once you open up and embrace what is truly for you… it will be better than you imagined.
God is the most profound painter because with His word he births out and with His hand He forms the most exquisite things.. You and me.
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